Hospital for the Holidays?
HOSPITAL. The word sends shivers up our spine. Yet this is the word which came out of our psychiatrist’s mouth in therapy yesterday. We’re so distraught that I’m not sure we’ll even be able to write about it. We are in shock. Total shock. Here we were, under the impression that we’re getting better…and then the doctor goes and tells us that she thinks it might be time to look at hospitalization. Fuck!!! And here I’d gone into her office thinking we’d had a breakthrough this weekend, and we were eager to tell her about our recovered memories and show her the note left for K by one of our alters. (You can read the note here https://thekellies.wordpress.com/2012/12/17/reality-check/) Honestly, at the time, we really thought she was going to be proud of us. We thought she would be pleased, and tell us we’re making progress. It never crossed my mind once that she’d suggest I go into the hospital.
Her reasons were simple enough: she said I can’t handle the stresses of everyday life without switching. She said I am switching more often rather than less. She also said that what we’re doing in therapy doesn’t seem to be working. What?!? I’ve recovered so many memories over the last year, and I’ve identified some of our different alters. Isn’t that progress? I was under the impression that it takes years to work through Dissociative Identity Disorder, and she wants a big improvement in just one year? Am I wrong in feeling that she’s expecting too much of us?
I’ve always thought that hospitalization occurs when a person becomes a danger to themself or to others, or when threats of self-harm or violence happen. Nothing could be further from the truth with us. We’re no threat, not to anyone. Hell, we feel guilty if we kill a bug. The only violent behavior I’ve ever exhibited was in my teens and twenties, when I was hormonal and unmedicated, and even then I never hurt another person, just did things like set fires and break stuff. None of that is happening now. I’m very much a pacifist and don’t like any kind of violent behavior; we never watch the news for this reason. It’s just too upsetting for us. But I’m getting off the topic here. Our point was that K is NOT a danger to anyone, herself included. Hospitalization seems extreme in our case. We think perhaps our shrink is overreacting to the frequent switching that’s been happening to us. We can’t think of anything they could do for us in the hospital that we don’t already do at home. Plus, at home, we are in familiar surroundings and feel safe. Husband is there and so is Mom. Plus I can talk to my sister on the phone, and I have my Twitter support system. So really I can’t think of any reason why I should be put away, in some cold empty room, wherein I have only my thoughts, voices, and hallucinations to keep me company.
There are very specific reasons why I do NOT want to be hospitalized. We are scared to death at the thought of having to be admitted, for any length of time. This would not be our first hospital stay; we are still traumatized by the memories of our first commitment, which happened at the age of 16. Here’s some insight into why I’m terrified of going into the hospital: https://thekellies.wordpress.com/2012/03/09/hospitalized-at-16/ If you don’t feel like reading that, suffice it to say that I had a horrific experience which left permanent scars on my psyche. I’ve never been the same since. Over 2 decades later, we’re still struggling to come to grips with that time period.
I realize that just because we had a bad experience back then, doesn’t mean it’d be like that now. And, as I’ve said before, we have had a handful of hospital stays over the years and none of them was as horrible as that first one. However, we found every hospital stay to be frightening and unpleasant in every way. We associate hospitals with death, so being inside of one is very triggering. We’re not sure if our psychiatrist is aware of any of these things. I’m certain that she couldn’t possibly fathom how much fear we are now feeling. Now that she’s said the “H” word.
We begged her not to put us in the hospital. We told her we’d do absolutely anything else she asked of us. And so she told us that she’d like us to start back on antipsychotics and she also doubled my dose of Abilify. I have to go back and see her in a couple of days. That appointment will determine whether I spend Christmas at home with my family, or in a pit of despair i.e. hospital room. Pressure? Yeah, we feel it. It’s festering inside of us, mixed with fear and panic.
So it seems that in your psychiatrists mind switching is bad? Something that shows a sign of deterioration? How far from the truth is that. For what its worth I don’t think you need hospital either?! I don’t see why you shouldn’t be “allowed” to switch as and when your system needs to/wants to without fear of retribution. As you say, you are not going to hurt anyone or hurt yourself, so where is the problem in it? Sorry this sounds so confusing for youto have to fathom out as a system xx
Up to this point, our psychiatrist has always been very understanding. We are shocked and saddened by her suggestion of hospitalization. Hell, I might even be offended. If I handle stress by switching, then that’s the way I handle stress. We’re not hurting anyone….Confusing them perhaps, but not hurting them. This whole situation has really thrown our system into a downward spiral of confusion and fear and anger. We’re doing a good bit of reading and writing on the subject of DID/switching; we intend to go see our psych armed with a list of logical reasons why we do NOT need to be hospitalized. Thanks so much for your comment. It makes me feel better to know that someone is on my side in this matter.
Unfortunately a lot of psychiatrists don’t understand how very important it is for the insiders to feel safe enough to come out. It’s a very big sign of healing in my opinion. I would never allow my wife to be put in a hospital. I trust you find an alternative.
Our psychiatrist has arranged for us to have psychological testing done on January 3. I guess the results will determine whether or not we are hospitalized. But we’ve called an attorney and my husband says he will not allow her to put me away. I’m not threat to anyone, myself included. I just think we’re going through the healing process. Psych doesn’t understand.
Fortunately I never allowed my wife to get caught up into the official mental health system. The lady helping my girls is a volunteer counselor who has successfully helped others with d.i.d. and largely shares my vision of healing for my wife. I believe the MORE the insiders come out the MORE everyone is healed. It’s hard because my wife (the host) and I don’t get to see each other as much as we wish, but we both understand this is necessary for everyone’s healing.
I hope your husband can legally do what he has said. I’m glad he’s called an attorney because from everything I’ve read on other blogs, more damage is done to a person with d.i.d. during a hospital stay than such a stay ever helps. Love and safety are the KEY things that someone with d.i.d. needs to heal. And a safe family is far better equipped to give that than an impersonal mental hospital no matter what the experts may feel.
Sam