Reality Check

Woke up and found this note on the nightstand. It was written in all capital letters in an unfamiliar handwriting, and was on a piece of stationery I’ve never seen before and can’t identify the source of.

KELLIE DOESN’T LIKE FACIAL HAIR BECAUSE HAL HAD BEARD & GOATEE OR BEARD…TICKLED LITTLE KELLIE ANN THEN HURT.  PRESSING DOWN ON MOUTH WHISKERS HAIR IN MOUTH DIRTY KISSING DIRTY TOUCH

Hal is the name of my much-older cousin, who used to babysit me.  When I read this note, I was instantly transported. I left my body and went inside a memory. I was a little girl again, and I was with my abuser. It was dark.  I could see him quite plainly and I noted his thick black hair, mustache, and beard.  He leaned in toward me. I could literally feel my abuser’s mouth pressing against mine.  I very nearly threw up this morning when this occurred.  Yet we feel the note and memory flashback are very important to our recovery.  We carefully folded the note and put it in our purse, then we called our psychiatrist.  I insisted that she see me as soon as possible, and by the grace of the higher powers, someone had just called in a cancellation and so we have an appointment in the morning.  I can’t wait to show her the note and tell her about the memory recollection and how I seemed to relive the experience, actually thinking I could physically feel that bastard’s touch.  We think this is a breakthrough, since we believe healing can only come if we remember what happened and address the emotions/guilt/shame which follow.  Now, having written about all of this, I am once again filled with nausea. Think it best we take a couple of sedatives, have a stiff drink, and hope to fall into a dreamless sleep for the rest of the day.

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