Running on Empty
It feels as though I have to write, I have to clear my head, I have to put these thoughts down on paper (here, only in a manner of speaking, although some of us are actually, literally writing some things down on paper). Yesterday was the mental and emotional equivalent of giving birth. I am utterly drained and just don’t know if there’s anything left inside me with which to compose a blog post…but I’m going to try, just for a few minutes, while I sip my hot tea (with a tad of honey) and wait for the medication I took to kick in and (hopefully) put me to sleep for the whole night. I can’t remember what it feels like to sleep through an entire night. I can barely remember what it’s like to sleep at night, period. K is so very tired, her body is worn out and her health is beginning to suffer. It’s my job to take care of her, to see that she remembers to eat and sleep and shower and things of that nature, things which a “normal” person just instinctively knows to do, without being prompted or told to do those things. When most people get hungry, they eat. When they get tired, they sleep. It seems simple enough, and in the Real World people are automatically tuned in to their bodies and what they need and these needs are met, often without even a conscious thought. In my mind, in us, inside Kellie World, food and sleep are optional and usually misused. We either deprive ourselves the luxuries of eating and/or sleeping, or else we overindulge and end up feeling worthless. Lately, or before I got here, the sad and lazy K was doing nothing much outside of sleeping on the couch all day long. Sure, she’d wake up to take more pills, and occasionally eat a small meal (mainly just to stop her mother from scolding her for not eating) and every once in a while she’d have enough energy, motivation, and/or desire to leave the house, usually only with Husband, on some occasions all alone but in those situations we have to heavily sedate her to take her out in public. But sometimes, just sometimes, it feels really good to get out and be social and interact with others, my friends in particular- K doesn’t feel comfortable around strangers-and so K looks forward to those good days, those days wherein she could appear “normal” to the outside world.