Earlier tonight, Husband and I chatted for what seemed a long time, and we talked about things of a serious nature, important things, having perhaps even life-changing type discussions about his new business and our future. That might not sound very unusual for a married couple, but here’s the interesting part: I told him the Ks’ thoughts and feelings on the matters, and we also told him what the thoughts of K’s father were.
K’s father died in January 2005.
He’s been speaking to us for several days now. There’s no way for us to say that without it sounding “crazy”; it is what it is. K’s dad is giving us information from the other side. He’s helping us, he’s here to offer his sage advice and also to reassure K that everything is going to work out just fine.
Reading what I just wrote, it occurs to me that this blog post might make some people think that I’m having some sort of psychotic episode or even a psychotic break. Psychosis is a term used to describe an abnormal psychiatric condition involving a loss of contact with reality; symptoms include hallucinations and impaired insight. This certainly describes us, the K’s, however when we think about such matters, it seems to be that this term applies to us most all of the time. I mean, K hallucinates. K hears voices and music. And K definitely has an altered perception of reality.
So. Tell me. If a person is aware that they are psychotic, are they really psychotic?
Our thinking feels so clear right now, thoughts are flowing easily and without hesitation. We are experiencing an extended moment of clarity, it would seem. Extended from several days ago…. we can’t remember when we first heard the voice of our father, but there is no doubt that it is really him we are hearing. Daddy is speaking to me. Whether or not you believe it is irrelevant.
I told Husband all of this, and he asked questions. He wanted to know what K’s father was telling us. And so we told him. We tried to explain it in such a way as to be simple and easy to understand. We tried to be casual and not sound too…um…insane. That’s not the right word, but we could tell that this particular word came to Husband’s mind at least once during our discussion of these matters.
We were hoping he’d be open-minded about all of this. We were hoping he’d believe us. But I guess it is pretty unbelievable. That’s a shame. I feel like I’ve just received proof of ghosts but everyone is calling me a fraud. I feel as though Husband isn’t trusting me/us. He’s not listening to me, he’s just hearing my words.
What I told him was what I saw. And what I saw/see is this: the past, the present, the future. I can see our life spread out before me like a giant storyboard. We see important moments laid out in chronological order on these tiles (?), these large rectangular boxes, white but with color photos on them of various key points in the life of K. I can see the beginning, the middle…but not the end. I can see the future, but only to a certain point. We believe that this is no coincidence; Daddy can’t show us the end of our story. No one can. It’s one of the rules.
So we can see these picture boxes, and we scan the boxes left to right and view the story like a movie. We see highlights of our childhood. I’m acutely aware that there are no boxes containing the “bad stuff”, the evil memories of our early childhood. In trying to make sense of their absence, I’m inclined to believe that there are no visible picture boxes for those traumatic events because we, the K’s, cannot see those events yet, we can’t remember yet, it’s still fuzzy in our mind. But we will work that out in time. It says so in our storyboard.
Also in the story is our young adult life, our 20’s and early 30’s. We can see different K’s at different points of time in the story. It’s as though the lead actress in the movie keeps getting replaced every so many years. Rather like James Bond. Except in our “movie”, there exists more than one James Bond at a time. Multiple main characters. Yes. That’s it exactly. Different roles require different costumes of course. And so we have a variety of clothing styles and patterns and textures. A number of different body types. Dozens and dozens of various hairstyles and colors. Makeup looks as different as night and day. A different face for every K. A different life for every K…
As we view our storyboard/timeline, we pay special attention to the details. The most trivial of things might be a key factor in our future. This is something that our dad has explained to us. What we do right now, with this information, will determine which fork in the road our future will take. How we react to the situation will determine our destiny. We are currently facing a great obstacle, a terrible roadblock of problems on our path to happiness. This problem(s) is so great that it could, in fact, be the reason for this seemingly psychotic episode of which we are currently a victim (?). Or should I say we are participants in the struggle? In either case, we K’s are in the middle of a crisis, and our beloved father has come to our rescue. Just like he always did when he was alive. He was our hero…so many times.
And so it would seem that he, our father, has come back to help us in this, our time of turmoil. K has been careful not to mention the specific problem of which we’re writing. Someone inside says that we aren’t supposed to share that; that is between husband and me. It is not anything which threatens to destroy our marriage, only our bank account. And that’s all we shall say about that. It is important to know about this problem though, as this problem was so insurmountable that all of us-the K’s-were seeking help in all the corners of our life. We decided that we needed to ask for help, that this problem was just too big for husband and K to handle on their own. Therein lay another problem: we have so few friends, and are not that close to too many relatives, and so it is that we couldn’t think of anyone to ask for help.
It bothers the hippie one that money is playing such a pivotal role in our lives right now. She’s very non-materialistic and has no desire for money or possessions outside those things which she needs to exist peacefully. But we’re getting so far off point that we may get lost trying to get back to the subject. *deep breath*
So. We were facing a dilemma. We had nowhere to turn for help. And so Daddy came. He came and showed us what to do, how to solve the problem. He gave us reassurance, he gave us inspiration, he gave us hope. Kellie’s father was a very wise man, and his teachings live within us, and when we strayed off the path, when we began to lose our faith in ourselves and in life, he came to help. He came to save us. Save us from ourselves. He plucked us from the edge of despair and comforted us by showing us the proper way, the way to get to the prize. The prize is happiness. Success. Inner peace. Serenity.
Daddy showed us our future. He showed us pictures of our business venture(s), pictures of our home(s), pictures of our physical bodies. (Perhaps some of us can/will blog about the future we saw.) He showed us that everything can and will work itself out, just as the universe intends it. All we have to do is keep believing in ourselves and each other. Keep the faith. Keep hope alive. If we can move forward with a confident stride, then we can travel all the way to the finish line, to victory. All the way home.
” For me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity.” ~ Jean Dubuffet