The Beauty Pageant

Random memory which suddenly came out of nowhere:  (figured it must be important, so better write it down before we forget) When K was a little girl, about 4 or 5,  Mother entered me into a beauty pageant. That event was the first in a series of life-changing experiences, all of which led to the destruction of our self-esteem. See, when I entered the beauty pageant, everyone told me I was “a beautiful child” and that I was sure to win. But I didn’t win.  Mother told me I lost because I forgot to curtsy at the end of my runway walk. I’m still struggling with feelings of guilt and regret because of that statement.  Can’t actually remember any of the pageant itself…All I really remember is, it felt like I was being told that I was ugly. That I was a failure. And it affected me for the rest of my life; I’ve felt unattractive and insecure for as long as we can remember. By the time K was 8, she had an eating disorder and was self-harming. Everything went downhill after that.

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