Never Date Your Twin

For Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to share some advice about your love life. We’ve had literally dozens of relationships which were “fairly serious”, (we mean they lasted more than 3 months),  throughout our dating career, so I figured we’ve learned a thing or two about love, lust, and heartbreak.  I’ve told you the story of how I became so cynical by our 20’s that I would not, could not trust anyone. Then one day, unexpectedly, I met someone who, in an instant, shattered my protective barriers and tore down all my walls of defense. We had everything in common–gothic clothing style, musical tastes, favorite movies, love of tattoos and piercings…when he moved in with me, we ended up having some of the same home decor items. This man was so similar to me, my friends joked that he was me with a penis. I was head over heels in love, and I wanted to share every little part of me with this man. Everything, that is, except for my mental illness. No, that was a secret I’d never shared with anyone, although quite a few guys noticed that I seemed to take an awful lot of “antidepressants”. But this guy was different, in that he was the same. The same as I. He and I were so alike in our ways that I knew immediately he was my other half. My split-apart.

Cue music and dim the lights. A long, long time ago, there weren’t two different sexes-men and women-but instead there was just one sex. One soul which encompassed all that is good and bad in both males and females. This being lived in harmony with the universe for a long time. Then one day, the gods were angered. I’m sorry but I can’t remember why now. But they were so furious with the unisex beings that they unleashed their fury upon the poor souls, and split each being into two halves, and then scattered them all over the planet in a giant mixing bowl of confusion. Each being was now two separate beings, one male and one female, and each felt incomplete but was unable to find anything which would fill the void they felt within themselves. They all began to search for their other halves, in the hopes that by finding the other part of themselves, they’d at last feel whole and be at peace with the world. Most of the split-aparts went their whole lives and never found their other half. Many ended up living hollow lives without knowing what it was to feel complete. But some of the split-aparts were more determined and sought out their other half with an eager, all-encompassing need. The lucky, blessed few who found their other half were at long last reunited with the pieces of themselves that had been missing.

split apart

That is how it was with this guy. He was my split-apart. Now at that time in my life, I believed this to mean that he and I were destined to get married and grow old together, and for many years we shared an intensely passionate relationship. But with the good came the bad, and in the end we could not be together in that capacity because we not only completed each other, we complimented each other, and we were each other. We were so much alike that we simply could NOT live together; we drove each other mad.  As I was mentally ill, so too did it happen that he was mentally unstable, BPD or maybe bipolar. The two of us together, when we both were in the depressive phase of our illnesses, were like a funeral party. Gloom and doom to the nth degree. On the flipside, when one of us was manic, it often triggered the other one, and so we were a ticking time bomb of emotions. We’d go on extravagant spending sprees. We’d go on alcohol and drug binges. There were explosive arguments and violent fights and breakups, then wildly romantic or sometimes desperate actions by one of us to get the other one back. We continued this push-pull relationship for a decade.

This is the problem with dating someone who is your carbon copy. Every thing that you like about yourself is before you, as well as every little thing you despise about yourself. It’s exhausting to try and make something out of what the universe never intended be. We weren’t meant to be man and wife, (although we were engaged 3 times) but we were one being, one creature, one soul. Male and female. Yin and yang. He was the other half of me, and so it turned out that I hated him with as much passion as I loved him. He was my twin soul. After many years, we finally parted ways for good, and I was left battered and broken but with new-found knowledge about myself. I learned that what I thought I wanted was not what was best for me. I learned that a mentally-ill, Aquarian artist should never date another mentally-ill, Aquarian artist. There’s just too much bullshit to put up with. Everything you like about yourself is magnified, and so at times things are blissful. On the other hand, more frequently, the things that you hate about yourself come bubbling to the surface and you have to face your flaws and the more you get to know that other half of you, the less you like them. By the time our relationship ended, I was still in love with him, but I didn’t like him as a person. Not at all.

I don’t know if you will ever find your split-apart, but if you do, then learn from my experience.  Just because you have everything in common with a person, just because you’re passionately in love with someone, that is no guarantee that you will end up with that person in the end.  I ended up marrying my best friend 3 years ago, and I know that I’m happier now than I ever could’ve been with my split-apart.  You just never know what will happen. The possibilities are endless!

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