Losing Sleep Over It

Legend has it that when you can’t sleep at night, it’s because you’re awake in someone else’s dream.

staring at clock

We have insomnia.  We can’t sleep for more than 3 hours at a time, and that’s being generous.  Not sure how long this bout has been going on…. I’d guess 3 weeks but it could have been 3 months.  We’ve struggled with insomnia for most of our life, but it waxes and wanes, comes and goes.  We actually tend to flip-flop back and forth between not sleeping enough and sleeping most all the time.  Too much or too little.  There is no happy medium wherein a good night’s sleep exists for us.

This is now causing problems in my marriage, and that scares the bejesus out of me.  Husband woke up around 3:00 AM and I was up and on the laptop, typing out God-knows-what, and he lost his cool. He jumped out of bed. “You’re awake?! Why can’t you sleep regular hours like normal people? This has got to stop! You can’t continue to do this every night!” and then he grabbed his pillow and stormed out of the room.  He’s asleep in the guest room right now.  And I’ve just had to have a very uncomfortable conversation with my mother about why my husband and I are sleeping in separate rooms. Especially right now–our wedding anniversary is tomorrow. Sigh. This is not the way things should be.  If I lose my husband because of my insomnia, it will be the death of me. I’d hate myself forever for blowing it through something fixable like lack of sleep.

The other day, while I was at my therapy session, my doctor asked me if I’d like her to prescribe me something to help me sleep.  I told her no, that I was afraid I’d get hooked or else they’d work so well that I’d be unable to wake up if Mom needed me in the middle of the night. I turned down her offer.  Now I’m seriously regretting that decision.  I should’ve taken the prescription regardless.  I mean, it might have come in handy sometimes. I’m definitely going to my next session with the intention of leaving with a ‘script for something. But which one should I ask for? I tried Ambien once and it caused terrible nightmares that seemed very real.  I don’t know anything about sleeping pills; I’ve never really taken them.  I’m a benzodiazepine girl myself. I like anti-anxiety pills. Sedatives. Tranquilizers. I like to be mellow…not actually fall asleep. But hey, if it will make my marriage better, then I’m willing to try the sleeping pills. Who knows? They might actually work.

If you love someone, let them sleep.

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