How Many K’s Are There?
I have been keeping a diary or journal or sketchbook since I was about 4 or 5 years old. The older I got, the more telling the diary entries. The handwriting changes often. In elementary school, I began drawing self-portraits in which I appeared split into different parts, black & white, good & evil. In my 20s, I gradually slipped further and further into my world of fantasy and this is when I was (incorrectly) diagnosed Schizophrenic. I was ill for decades before the right doctor came along with the proper diagnosis. Now we’re working on healing from my past.
In order to process the pain and horror of my childhood sexual abuse, my mind shattered into different parts so that I didn’t have to directly deal with the truth. Dissociative Identity Disorder is a coping mechanism, a way to compartmentalize difficult emotions. Different me’s have different jobs, but they all serve to protect K. I’ve only been in treatment for my DID for about a year, so there’s much work to be done. I can hear more people in my head than I’ve actually “met”; some of them are quite shy or just hiding. From what I’ve been told, it takes a long time for an alter to feel comfortable enough to show him/herself.
People often ask me how many of “us” there are, and this blog post is a response to that question. I still don’t know exactly how many K’s there are or what all their names are (which is why some of them have titles instead). Here’s what I have learned so far about the different “me’s”. In the future, I’ll try to write a blog post about each personality, but right now I’m not familiar enough with all of them to do that. What I do know is that my psychiatrist believes I have 3 main personalities. A main is a strong, well-developed, high-functioning personality which is often in control of the body. It is possible to have more than one, like us, and it is also possible for the main personalities to change over time. This has happened to us as well, at least twice.
Naturally I know more about some personalities than I do about others. We, the collective K, have a high level of co-consciousness (the ability to see/hear/feel what other alters are doing inside) and so some of our personalities are very familiar to us. Some alters blog, journal, leave us notes, things like that, so we can better understand their purpose. Certainly the ones who’ve kept a diary or sketchbook or scrapbook I’ve come to know. One or two of the K’s I am familiar with because of the stories people tell about her; believe it or not, a few of the K’s are quite popular and have many friends. I am not one of those K’s. I choose to call myself The Narrator, since that’s my job. I tell the stories. But I’ve gotten way off the subject (it tends to happen when you are dissociative). The point is, I’m going to create a list of all the different K’s which we are aware of, and give a brief description of each. Keep in mind, some of them we don’t know. Also, some K’s don’t speak.
INTRODUCTION TO THE K’S
(In no particular order)
1. The Good Daughter – her job is to take care of Mom; she comes whenever she’s needed; friendly & well-liked; attends family functions; responsible, dependable, honest; drinks occasionally but doesn’t smoke or do drugs; dresses casually/modestly in various colors; age early 30’s
2. The Sad K – always depressed; cries often; sleeps on the couch most days; dresses in all black; not social; barely talks; has trouble concentrating; very poor hygiene/rarely bathes; wears pajamas most of the time; does not wear makeup; self-medicates with alcohol and pot and pills; does not like to be touched by anyone; age: 50’s (gets older over time)
3. The Cleaner – her job is to clean & organize everything; she comes when she’s triggered by the sight of dirt; very OCD; loses time when cleaning; wears work clothes and no makeup; doesn’t drink or smoke or use drugs; not social at all; very serious; age unknown
4. Kellie Ann– she cries a lot; misses her daddy; loves toys & cereal with marshmallows in it; doesn’t drink or smoke or use drugs; shies away from most physical contact but likes hugs from Husband & Mom; age 6; (We’ve written about her in this blog before, but we called her The Little Girl. We only recently learned her name)
5. The Kellie – very popular, outgoing, sexy, confident, flirtatious, hedonistic, kinky, narcissistic; men love her/she loves men; wears dramatic makeup/clothes; often called a “goth girl”; drinks/smokes/uses drugs; resents having to take her meds & often skips them; very affectionate-hugs and kisses her friends; age 26 (doesn’t age)
6. Switch Kellie – (we’ve blogged about her before; used to be called Smart Kellie) her job is to take care of business; she comes when the stress gets overwhelming; very smart; better memory than most K’s; she’s always reading and writing; very clean and well-groomed; dresses professionally; she pays bills and tends to important matters; sometimes works at Husband’s store; age mid 30’s
7. Blanche – very rebellious; drinks & smokes but no drugs other than pot; shoplifts; vandalizes; gets into trouble a lot; has a criminal record; style is that of a punk rocker; age 17 (will not grow up)
8. The Goddess – very sensual/sexual, pretty, popular, always wearing perfume, outgoing, shamelessly flirtatious; bisexual; into BDSM; always dresses sexy; very clean-will not tolerate any body hair; age: 20’s (she’s slowly getting older)
9. The Criminal – always gets us into trouble; gets arrested/has a record; drinks & smokes & does drugs; steals; lies; can be aggressive and violent; breaks things and starts fires; bad temper; age late 30’s/early 40’s
10. Kellie Prime – She’s like the Gatekeeper–her job is to keep track of all the K’s; she has the vital information on K’s mental illness/DID; smart; good memory; loves to read/study/research mental illness; age 40
11. The Hippie – cares about animals & environment; very mellow; medical marijuana advocate; dresses in long, flowy dresses or retro 70’s attire; uses no hard liquor or drugs-only “natural” substances; kind; generous; age unknown but she has a very old soul
12. The Witchy One – lives a “new age” lifestyle; superstitious; very spiritual; studies metaphysics/witchcraft/magick; dresses mostly all in black; has a sort of gypsy style; reads Tarot cards; age 33 (always-she has never been younger or older)
13. Chastity – Our least favorite K, age 21, causes us the most shame. I’d rather not talk about her yet. We hate her.
There’s also another little girl about 3 or 4 who doesn’t talk, she just cries or laughs, and a male who’s still hiding so we don’t know him yet. Also, K believes we have a drag queen living inside us (we have tons of evidence) but (s)he hasn’t presented himself to Husband yet so I won’t include him on the list.
There you have it. The K’s. Some of you with whom we chat may now be able to recognize different Kellie’s based upon these descriptions. But you must remember that we can switch rapidly, and sometimes a personality is only out for a few moments. Usually we are co-conscious and experience the thoughts, ideas, actions, and emotions of more than one personality…often 3 or 4. It’s quite confusing, yet never boring. These are the inhabitants of “Kellie World”.