A Little Bit of Insight

It seems I’ve been neglecting both my journal and my blog. To my readers, I extend an apology. I had an extra-long session with my psychiatrist today, and during this time she urged me to get back to writing. She said it helps keep me grounded and more in touch with my “reality”. She also said it is the best way to track my moods and symptoms. Not to mention the fact that it really helps cut down on lost time.  (I have forgotten most of my Summer because I did not write during that time.) I often don’t remember doing what I’m reading about in my journal, but at least I have a record of it if I write it down. To encourage me to write again, my husband bought me a beautiful vintage journal, circa 1960s, with psychedelic unicorn art on its pages. I can’t wait to get started. I just hope that I can stay HERE long enough to do that. You see, the K who has been present most often lately doesn’t journal, blog, tweet, or text. It has truly caused a ball of confusion within our system. What’s more, when I talked to my husband about the state of things, he told me that not all of the K’s will even speak to him. This means he doesn’t always know who is out or what we’re thinking. The current K, me, just hopes that I can stay in this state of mind long enough to get everything written down right now that I need to remember about today’s therapy.

Today was by far the most fascinating therapy session which I can recall ever having with my current psychiatrist. I was thinking clearly-crystal clear– and for once I was able to completely absorb and comprehend every word she was saying. I was thinking sensibly enough to ask her questions about myself, questions which we normally don’t think to ask or else are too afraid of asking. To give you an example, I asked her what her specific treatment plan was for me, and even went so far as to ask how many K’s she had met. She began to describe the different personalities which have come to therapy over the past 2 years, and I was immensely affected by what she told me. I don’t mean to sound self-centered, but I was very interested in what details she could tell me about us K’s. I mean, you have to try and understand how frustrating it is to forget who you are at times, to not be sure of your identity for a moment, or even to sometimes wonder what your favorite color is. These situations are my (sometimes) reality. I don’t always know what role I play in the universe, and indeed it seems that my role changes with each alter.

Alter. I hate that word. (I think.) I mean, it’s still me, I’m still K. I’m just a different version of K.  A “remix”, if you will. Yes, I like that term much better than “alter”. But I digress… Dr. H told me that there was a long stretch of time in which I didn’t come to see her-basically I was missing from mid-July until 2 weeks ago. She said the K who showed up that day was a mess. Obviously off her meds and having a hard time with dissociation, depression, fear and anxiety. She said I looked as though I’d not bathed in several days, I wore no makeup, my hair was unkempt, my clothes were all black and huge and baggy and she said I looked as though I’d just crawled out of some hole. She said this K never looked at her, in fact she actually sat facing away from the doctor. Also, she never removed her sunglasses. Dr. H said she struggled to get words out since she was in a state of utter confusion, and Dr. H admitted that she was surprised this person even showed up for the appointment at all. I was immediately put back on my medications and told to write in my journal…but I don’t remember any of that.

The next week I saw Dr. H again, and I was shocked today when she told me that the K who came in then was a personality she’d never met before. She said this K acted very young. Not like a child, but maybe a teenager. She said K was “vibrant and funky and cool”. She said I had on “hip” clothes and lots of makeup and jewelry and looked very put-together.  This K was quite animated and talkative, even smiling and laughing.  Dr. H said that I even looked at her at times. (That’s a BIG deal. It’s very, very difficult for me to make eye contact with people, even loved ones.) I was, and am, intrigued by this K.  Dr. H went on to say that this “me” told her we had a job and went to work most days at Husband’s newly-opened store.  She told the doctor all about the different aspects of the business and her various job duties.  Dr. H said this K really seemed to know what she was talking about, and this comes as no surprise to me.  We/I studied business in college and have over 12 years experience in retail sales and management.  Apparently I’m putting all that knowledge to good use for the first time in over a decade.  I can’t help but wonder if this “young” K is the same me who worked at our old job(s).  I don’t exactly remember working, but rather I can see pieces of a film in my mind of “me” at a staff meeting or filing paperwork or decorating store windows.  I have snippets of memories of different jobs, but none of them seem real to me now.  I was last officially employed in 1998; I was forced to quit after being hospitalized for a breakdown.  We never fully recovered from that breakdown, and finally ended up on Disability after our (incorrect) diagnosis of Schizophrenia.

It was many years and doctors later when I finally connected with Dr. H and she uncovered my true diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Now I’m learning about each one of my parts, and today’s therapy session gave me more insight than ever before.  Dr. H explained to me the ideas she has about my treatment.  She said the next step is determining which personality is most dominant.  It might seem odd that after a year, we still aren’t certain who is dominant. She said I have at least three who seem very strong, smart, and organized, and she wants to try and integrate these high-functioning parts into a single dominant personality.  I told her I was actually very afraid of integration, but she told me not to worry, that we would not be including my “little girl” or other low-functioning personalities.  She said by unifying my strong parts, I could greatly improve the quality of my life, my relationship with my husband, and even lessen my dissociative amnesia.  The K who’s here now, writing this blog post, thinks this might be a great idea but wonders how long and hard the road will be.  Be certain, however, that we’re ready to get started on the journey.