First Impressions

Sometimes, I am painfully aware that I am a multiple.  Sometimes, I can see and hear what is happening, but the wrong me will be out and I get frustrated that I can’t make her go back inside.  Sometimes, I know which K I should be, but I can’t control which K I am.  If only I could learn to call on whomever I needed, and that part of me would come forward and take over. If only I had some say in the matter!  They say you need the right tool to do the job. Well, I need the right K to do the job.  And that doesn’t always happen. Like last night, for example.

I don’t have a lot of real life friends; I talk to more people online than in person.  I’m paranoid as I can be, so I’m quite cautious about who I chat with. I don’t trust people.  I can’t stress that enough. Anyway, I have a number of people on Twitter whom we talk to regularly and who I consider “friends”  for as much as you can be friends with a person you’ve never met.  I’m more honest about my real life on Twitter than I am in my real life. I think that’s true of a lot of people. But it’s because of this fact that I’m able to share my private thoughts and feelings with strangers on Twitter, and thus it feels as though I’m developing friendships with certain people.  It was with one of these “friends” that I encountered a problem last night.

For the first time ever, we were going to chat outside of Twitter, using an actual chat application, so that we could talk to each other without a 140 character limit. I downloaded the program only to chat with this one specific person. I guess I should have known that this would create stress for the K’s because we felt pressure, pressure to be witty and interesting and funny and clever and all those things which make a person a good conversationalist.  Well, I’ll be the first to admit that all the K’s are NOT good conversationalists. In fact, some are absolutely horrible at making chit chat with other people. So of course this is what happened last night.

We weren’t really prepared to chat with him. We were just preparing for the time when we would be ready. I messaged him that I’d downloaded the chat program and then the next thing I know he’s on the screen and we’re in the midst of a real-time chat, without the safety of other people around me as witnesses to our conversation. Well, I don’t know how to say this other than how it seemed. I think he was disappointed with the K that he chatted with.  I think that he was hoping for someone else. Someone better.  Now you must understand that different K’s talk to Tweeps at different times; we are not always the same personality when we tweet.  You must also understand that when we switch, it’s sometimes very subtle. Some K’s are so similar that no one would ever notice they’re not the same K. I, myself, have trouble telling some of them apart. My point is, it’s possible, if you have ever chatted with me, that you actually chatted with more than one of me.  Switching can happen at any time, for any reason or none at all, and it sometimes lasts for only a moment or two. Add to that fact the co-consciousness that we often experience (that is when more than one personality is aware/out) and this all adds up to a situation in which several different K’s are chatting with a person over the course of a conversation.  Confused? Yeah, us too.

So anyway, we, the K’s, made an attempt last night to chat with one of our Twitter friends. It did not go well. I can’t remember now what was said, but I remember how we felt after the chat ended.  We felt that we had disappointed our friend.  We felt like he’d expected a certain K, but he got someone different, and he was not pleased with the one who showed up.  The chat was very brief. He seemed quick to say goodbye. I guess I’ve made a terrible first impression. But the thing about being a multiple is, you can make more than one first impression. Each of the me’s is a unique individual even though we all share a brain and body. Not all the K’s are funny. Not all of us are clever,  not all of us are friendly.  Most of us are nice, that’s just K’s nature-she’s a good person. But I’m getting off the subject. The point is, the K who talked to my friend last night wasn’t the K whom I had hoped would talk to him. I wasn’t the right person last night.  These things happen, but I never get used to it. That feeling I get, when I am outside my body, watching what’s happening, and I can hear what’s being said and I know how I should respond but instead some other voice comes out and says the wrong thing… (sigh) It’s terribly frustrating and embarrassing and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.  I just hope my friend gives me another chance. Every conversation is like pulling the arm of a slot machine-you never know who’s going to come up.  Hopefully, he’s understanding enough to realize that I can’t always be the person people want me to be.  Maybe next time, the slot machine will come up in my favor.