Flashback To February

I just found this unfinished post, which was written on Friday, February 17, the afternoon of my birthday.  Since I just did a post about my birthday (or rather, my UNbirthday) I thought I’d resurrect this draft. I’m not sure if it’s insightful, or interesting, or entertaining at all. Probably not. I just know that it’s a peek inside my head at that moment in time, so I decided to share it…(not necessarily with you, but rather with ME)

I can’t believe it’s our birthday again. This keeps happening to us! Sigh. I’ve already put myself into an altered state of consciousness, with the use of alcohol and drugs. I logged onto K’s Facebook, which we check less and less often as we feel less and less like her… K’s Facebook contained more birthday greetings than I ever could have imagined. I didn’t realize we knew that many people, or that they gave enough of a shit about us to take the time to post a birthday wish on my wall. Mom took us out to eat, but we drove all over town and I never could make a decision where I wanted to go-there were just too many choices and I had no appetite anyway-so in the end we just came home and ate nothing. I’m hoping that the Husband will take us out for drinks when he gets home from work. I think. Hell, I’m not sure. Part of me wants to get trashed and forget my worries. Part of us wants to spend a quiet evening with Husband, drinking champagne. There’s someone inside who wants to go out and celebrate in a crowd, with music and drinking and dancing… and then there’s that K who really just wants to go to bed and sleep until our birthday is over.

That’s the end of the post. Like I said earlier, it’s not a good post, it’s not even interesting to anyone except me/us/the K’s… and it’s not all that interesting to us either. I’d like to point out that in spite of all the birthday wishes people posted on our Facebook page, we still feel like we have no friends in real life. I wonder why that is. I mean, you’d think that out of all those 50+ people who wished me a Happy Birthday, there would be at least one or two who felt like true friends. Yet, I still feel alone. Am I asking for too much, or expecting too much from people? Am I one of those people who’s just never satisfied? Or am I just being realistic, knowing that those people who posted greetings were only doing so because their Facebook page told them it was my birthday and they felt obligated? Hell, I guess it doesn’t matter. The fact is, they did wish me a Happy Birthday, and I try to do that too when my friends have a birthday, so it’s all karma coming back around I guess. Besides, I have to admit that we were thrilled to get birthday greetings from several of our Seattle pals, who said they missed me. I haven’t lived there in 10 years, and they still remember me! That’s fucking awesome. Hehehe Notice how this post started out all serious and sounded gloomy but then it perked up and ended up being all happy and shit? Can you say moodswing? It’s not alcohol-related, as I’ve not had a drop. It could be the pills I’ve taken…

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