I’m not sure how to say this… I’m exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. I haven’t been to bed since…well, I can’t remember now, I just know I desperately need to sleep so I”m just going to be blunt. Apparently, sometime this morning, while I was in a dissociated state, I tweeted that it was my 21st Birthday. It is not my birthday and I haven’t been 21 in many years. My husband thinks perhaps I got confused because today is the 4th of July and we’re drinking and being celebratory. I’ll tell you this–I regained my consciousness or “came to” this morning and found myself to be quite intoxicated. There was evidence of partying such as empty bottles beside my bed and a dirty ashtray. There was also a blog post. This is totally embarrassing but I promised to always be brutally honest in my blog, so here you go. Here’s what I wrote:
I have to start off the post by saying that I’m drunk, right now, as I’m writing this. It’s requiring a lot of effort to type this and spell words correctly and this post will be very slow for me to write. Fuck. I’ve gone and done it again. K knows I’m doing it but she can’t stop me. HAHA I didn’t let her sleep last night. No, we drank instead. All night. And you know what else? I smoked a bunch of pot. That’s right, I did, right in the middle of the fucking bedroom with K’s husband asleep beside me. So what?? Sometimes the medications the doctors give out just aren’t enough. Sometimes, no matter how many anti-anxiety pills you swallow, you just can’t get that feeling out of you…That feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff and of voices coming at you from inside and out, urging me to jump, or telling me I can fly or encouraging me to push someone off or trying to pull me down into a pit of despair or shit– I forgot what I was talking about. Oh well to hell with it. I’m young and having fun because it’s a holiday and K’s husband’s on vacation and we’re gonna shoot fireworks later after we BBQ cause it’s Independence Day in the U.S. and that’s just what they do therre. So w’ere grilling hamburgers & hot dogs & pork chops & chicken wings (I don’t like those) & I don’t know what else. I’ve got strawberry daiquiri’s in the freezer for later this afternoon. K wants to take a nap but I’m gonna fight her on that. God only knows how long I get to stay out and play in your world. HAHA We live in Kellie World, that’s where all the K’s live only we don’t know everybody yet. That’s not my job. I’m the one whoFuck!! i’m supposed to be writing a post about self-medicating. I guess thats a bad idea in my current condition. what to do, what to do?? Should I delete this post and start over? I guess I should do some research and throw in some stats or something. A picture. Yeah, I wanna put a picture in this post! Oh wait we’ve already done that hey guess what Today is my birthday and I am 21. Focus!! You habe to try and concentrate on the mission
That’s where it ends although the lack of ending punctuation makes me think that I intended to write more. I can’t tell you how humiliating this is. And Oh God-many wonderfully sweet Tweeps sent me Birthday greetings (which is how I found out about the birthday tweet to begin with) and to them I have to simultaneously say I’m sorry as well as thank you. Thank you for your lovely Birthday wishes; each one made me smile, even though at first it was a confused smile…lol And I’m sorry…Sorry if you feel that I lied to you, that is not something that we normally do, it’s not in K’s nature to lie. I can only say that I was not in control of our tweets at that particular moment in time. Please forgive us. I can only try and laugh this off as “one of those things” which can happen during dissociation. I think I was coming in and out of “her” consciousness late last night and early this morning. Damn this is embarrassing and hard to explain…I have some memories of things happening as though I were watching someone else do them. I can remember some of the things that she was thinking and feeling. She was serious when she said it was her birthday. She truly believed that when she said it. Husband told me that I announced it was my 21st birthday and then got very confused and frustrated. I think what’s happened here is what is known as co-consciousness.
Co-consciousness is when I can communicate with other personalities in “real time,” to hear what they think and know what they feel about things, and sometimes to see what they’re doing when they have executive control (and I don’t). I think this is a subject which deserves its own blog post. The point of this post was to apologize for and explain my earlier tweet about my birthday. And just in case you’re wondering, K’s birthday is actually in February.