Alone With Our Thoughts

I’ve only had one meal and 2 hours’ sleep in the past two days.  Husband’s out of town and I’m feeling alone and vulnerable yet I’m oddly hyper and my brain is going a million miles an hour. I’ve been all…switchy.  It feels like my mind is a slot machine and life pulls the lever and then whatever comes up from the spin is who I will be, but only until the next spin. I keep coming in and out of time, at least the “here and now” kind of time.  I guess this is how it was for me before I got married.  Just me, alone with the voices, fighting to keep my voice heard over everyone else, but then at the same time I’m wondering if it’s my voice that’s supposed to be doing the talking anyway, because I have other, different voices talking too, and they somehow all feel like me, even though they don’t all sound like me.  Even though my brain is crowded,  I feel so alone.  I am…incomplete.  Like a chunk of me is missing.  My husband is my strength and support and without him I feel weak and uncovered, like I’m a target or something.  It feels like all the world’s problems are chasing me and I can’t run fast enough to get away.  I’m sprinting through time, and I want very badly to pause for a moment, just a moment, and relax and notice all the little things that I’d normally miss as I’m going by so fast.  My husband helps me slow things down.  He helps me organize my time.  He keeps me on my toes, and on the ball with my medications and doctor’s visits and the like.  Husband helps me get through the day, everyday, even when he doesn’t know he’s helping me.  A simple text from him can transform my mood, and it very often does.  Sometimes, after he leaves for work, a dark cloud will descend upon me and threaten to ruin my whole day.  But a message from him is like the sun bursting through the clouds.  He is my light at the end of every day’s tunnel.  I don’t know what I’d do without him and his support.

It seems odd to me now that I was able to live my life all these years without any support.  I mean, no one knew about my dissociative disorder.  People thought I was a strange girl, of that you can be certain!  But no one ever guessed how fractured my mind really is.  Coming out to my husband was difficult to say the least, and not just for me.  He was overwhelmed at first, and shocked that I could hide such a secret from him for all the years we’ve known each other.  But we didn’t live together then, so he never saw the sudden, dramatic transformations which sometimes occur.  He just thought I was moody.  Yes, yes I am. Quite. When I finally did come out and tell him, it was Switch Kellie who did the explaining.  I’m not sure, but perhaps that was the reason he was so freaked out; to his knowledge, he’d never met Switch Kellie.  In truth, he had met her, in fact she was the one who had handled all the wedding planning and she came every day to check on the details and see to it that all the wedding and honeymoon plans were in place.  She was a constant for 2 months, then she receded back inside me, where she stays until I need her.  She comes when the stress gets to be too much.  She comes when I’m overwhelmed and can’t handle the pressure.  Switch Kellie is smart and tough and can take care of business while keeping a clear head. HA!  “A clear head”-I don’t think that’s something we ever really have.  There’s always something going on in there, always people talking.

This is the longest I’ve been without support in what feels like an eternity.  I’ve not been apart from my husband for this long since we got married 2 years ago.  I miss him terribly. It’s very early and normally we’d both be sleeping right now, but I am unable to sleep without him beside me. I feel unsafe.  For whatever reason, the strong K’s are nowhere to be found; it’s just us weaklings here now.  Last night, I got scared of the dark at more than one point in the night, and I had no one to turn to, no one to put their arms around me and tell me I am safe.  I had more than one anxiety attack last night.  In between those, I was nearly manic. So much energy, so full of conversation…but no one to talk to and so I was unable to relax and calm down.  I’m all wound up and am having trouble being in the moment; I keep jumping ahead of myself, going too fast.  I need to slow things down to a manageable pace.  This hyperactivity on my part is damn annoying! I’m trying to keep quiet so that Mom doesn’t know I’m awake. I’m just not ready for interaction with others yet.  I might just hide out in my room all day until Husband gets home.  The only thing I need is coffee, and I’m pretty sure I can sneak into the kitchen unnoticed…