Trying to Remember, Trying to Heal
“There are some remedies worse than the disease.” ~Publilius Syrus
I fear this may apply to me. I’ve been attempting, in therapy, to recover from my traumatic past. I don’t believe that I can actually heal unless I’ve come face to face with what happened to us, what hurt us, what created the broken person we are today. I’ve been doing a lot of writing, subconscious exploration I call it, as I take a pen and paper and close my eyes and just let the words flow out of us. The words aren’t always legible of course, and they often don’t make any sense, but it’s interesting to see what comes out of our mind. Words of a negative, even violent nature appear on the paper often. Nonsensical ramblings seem to tell the tale of a shattered little girl who is scared of everyone and who only wants her daddy back. Daddy protected us, or at least he tried. He died never knowing about the abuse I had suffered at the hands of my tormenters. I’ve been having some memory recollection, and it’s not been a positive experience. I’m scared of what lies in our hidden past. I’m not sure we can handle it. K doesn’t remember the specific bad thing(s) but somebody inside must….we just have to find those memories. Not sure I want to find out what happened to us. I’m afraid.
Another person who has DID told me that you can ask to remember only 5% instead of 100% and that your subconscious will know to let you recall only 5% instead of total recollection. This is supposed to make it much easier to deal with the pain of remembering trauma. I am going to try this technique….just as soon as I get up the courage to remember any trauma at all. I’m so afraid of knowing the truth. My psychiatrist tells me I don’t have to remember everything to get better, but someone inside me wants to remember it so we can forgive ourselves and move forward with our life. However, I’m terrified that by recovering these lost memories, I will make myself even worse. I don’t want to get sicker than I already am. I must have blocked those memories for good reason. I’m not sure I want to know…I just know I want to get better.