We’ve been struggling. We feel terribly guilty, but we can’t remember what it is we did wrong. I can’t figure out who I’m supposed to be today. The Good Daughter is taking care of Mom but it’s not real. I’m not in control of that “me”, she just comes out and takes charge of things around the house. I’m glad she’s able to do those things, such as give our mother her medications and put ice packs on her back and bring her food and water. Mom is very sick right now and is in a lot of pain. She needs us.
Husband needed K this morning, but she just couldn’t pull it together. Tried to fake it for his sake. We’re all over the place, feel disconnected from everything. We went into some kind of trance state, or maybe we were just dissociating, but Husband says I was staring into space and unresponsive for a few minutes. We were at a shopping mall, and then Husband left us alone for just a few minutes, and I had a freakout. There was just too much for me to deal with-too many people, too many voices, too many colors-I was overstimulated. Just too much noise. Too much movement. Everything was just too much. Had to get out of there.
Took an Alprazalam and tried to drive home, but it was hard. Couldn’t concentrate. Can’t focus. Had to keep repeating out loud to myself where it was that I was going, or else I’d have forgotten. So we’re driving down the road saying, “We’re going home. We’re going home. Just go home.” but man it was hard today. Sometimes we can’t drive. Too much to look at. Distractions everywhere. And I forget what I’m doing, I forget that I’m driving. It’s amazing I’ve not wrecked and died.
We haven’t Tweeted in what seems like a long time, but I don’t really know how long it’s been-could be days, could be months. For some reason I’m afraid to get on Twitter now. We miss several of the Tweeps but feel too ashamed to come out of hiding. I guess that’s what we’re doing now, hiding. Not unusual for the K’s. But I miss Twitter. It was an outlet for my madness. Why did I stop? Why can’t I go back? I just can’t remember. I can’t remember how to get back to being “here”. We are lost. Lost inside our head apparently. Who the hell am I now? Need to take meds and just go to bed. Maybe when we wake up, we’ll be someone everybody likes. I hope so. It’s so important that people like us. Don’t know why, it just is.
I caught myself smoking a cigarette this morning. I don’t smoke anymore. Thought that was odd. Blog post from last night (? I think) is embarrassing and I’m ashamed of us. I’d delete it but this blog is my record of my illness and symptoms and I guess it’s important to keep it since it was written by that angry K. I hate when she comes out. She draws negative attention to us. And she hurts people. I seem to recall that she screamed at Husband sometime….not sure when, but I remember the look in his eyes and it was very sad. We feel terrible about that. He doesn’t understand our sudden outbursts of anger. I think he’s worried about us…
Damn. I want to blog but can’t concentrate. Can’t figure out what to write about. Need to empty my head, which is overflowing with information and thoughts of all kinds, but can’t seem to do that today. Hmm. Pills I took are kicking in and I’m getting sleepy. Yay;! Naptime at last! Hope this works, and brings “me” back.
I’m so very sorry if I’ve said or done something bad or hurtful or inconsiderate. I don’t want to be like that. But I realize that some of the K’s are less congenial. Shit. We’re just going to go to bed for a while..,