Looking For Part II of the Self-Mutilation Post?
This post is supposed to be the second part of our last blog post, The Evolution of My Self-Mutilation-Part I. In fact, I have already written and edited Part II. I just can’t bring myself to publish it. I’m too ashamed and embarrassed for anyone to find out the secrets contained within that post. I mean, I’ve written about some stuff since I began this blog in late December that made K feel really self-conscious, like posts about my dissociation or my hallucinations or our eating disorder. The latest post, about self-harm, was hard to write, because thinking about cutting naturally made us want to cut. I didn’t get too graphic to prevent triggering-both others’ and my own. I’ve had a number of people read “Evolution of Self-Mutilation”, but so far no one has left a comment or sent me a message so I have no clue what people are thinking or feeling after they’ve read it. What if I offended someone? My cutting is not so severe as some people’s, I mean I’ve never almost bled to death or been hospitalized for a wound. Does that mean my self-harm is less real, or less emotionally charged? It certainly seems real enough to me, and I have decades’ worth of scars as evidence. So it seems I’m coming to accept my compulsion to injure myself, and perhaps now that I’ve talked about it, I’ll feel less humiliated about it. So. Now the big questions is, what about Part II of the blog post? Why can’t we publish it? What am I so deathly afraid of? Well, for one thing, the second part of the SH post is much different from the first part. Part II contains secrets I’ve kept since childhood, secrets I’ve told no one, ever, not family or friends or even a psychiatrist. I’ve seen so many psych docs, yet I never said a word about this particular issue, which I’ve dealt with on a daily basis for what feels like an eternity. I felt, and feel, so much shame that it’s just impossible to imagine admitting the activity out loud, even to strangers whose faces I cannot see. So I don’t know whether I’ll be able to publish “The Evolution of My Self-Mutilation-Part II”. It could take some time to work up my courage. It might require encouragement from other people, or at least from other K’s. It might get posted tomorrow, or maybe never. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever written, so I will definitely not delete it…I just don’t know what to do with it. I was thinking that by writing all of those terrible things down, it would ease the humiliation. Instead, it brings me nothing but shame, anxiety, and self-loathing. I disgust myself.