Can’t Remember What I Did Wrong
We are struggling. We, the K’s, are NOT all right. I’m not sure when this current episode started, but based on how I feel in my head, and based on how many voices there are now and how loud they are (some of them are screaming at me), I’d say that we’ve been skipping our meds for several days. There was some trauma recently, (which I’m too ashamed to go into) and that must be the root cause here. Sigh. Memory loss is worse than usual; it’s causing Husband to become quite impatient with us, and of course K takes this personally and it hurts our feelings. Can’t write. Can’t think clearly. Just want to sleep, to escape the noise. The noise all around me, the dogs barking, the traffic, the sounds of everyday life-all so incredibly loud and overwhelming. Then there’s the noise inside me, which is even louder. Got yelled at by my mother and made to feel like shit. I tried to tell her I was having a bad day, in a mentally ill kind of way, but she flew off the handle and told me to just go back to bed. If I really DO go back to bed, she’ll get even more angry. Plus, Husband would be pissed off too whenever he gets home. If he comes home that is. He left, saying he couldn’t be here today, he just wanted to get out and get away from all of this, which I’m sure means all of ME. Fuck. Everybody is upset with me and I don’t know why and I’m trying to be good but I’m a bad girl and everybody’s mad even me. Need drugs. But am boycotting them for a while. Not sure why.