Read This! (AGAIN.)
THIS PART IS SO ANNOYING, IT ABSOLUTELY DRIVES ME/US/WHOMEVER IS DOING THIS-THIS OBSESSIVE TYPING, RESEARCHING, STUDYING, ETC.-It is driving us fucking crazy! KELLIE HAS TO REREAD EVERY LAST BLOG POST AND JOURNAL ENTRY AND TWEET AND PHONE TEXT MESSAGE AND ANY OTHER MEDIA-WHICH WE ARE STILL LEARNING, STILL FIGURING OUT- STILL GETTING TO KNOW US/ ME/HER…(???) [CRAZY, PUN INTENDED]…She has to reread everything because of her terrible memory problems, which I’m certain I’ve mentioned (or you’ve noticed) by now. I am still learning the in’s and out’s of all of this technology/social media; please be patient with us and try and understand how very difficult this must be for K (and I don’t just mean her lack of computer skills). I can’t imagine how bad the trauma must have been for her to have done this to herself (That part still blows my mind) Am I doing the right thing when I try to write everything down as I remember it, even trivial little mundane everyday normal kinds-of-things? This is terribly confusing, to most all of us; I still haven’t figured out which ones of us are doing the talking and which ones are doing the writing and researching, etc. The Switch Kellie persona, this current state of mind, this current “consciousness” has an overwhelming amount of work to do, and one of our biggest fears is that we will die before we’ve had the chance to tell “our story”. I really and truly think and feel that way. I don’t know how to put this into words without coming across as a crazy person, which I most definitely do NOT want to be. (sigh-I know, I know-TOO LATE!) So I’m just going to spill it and see what happens next…. Ready? OK here we go. Keep your arms inside the ride at all times. Most importantly, try to enjoy yourselves! (Sigh) SOME OF US ARE REALLY, DESPERATELY TRYING TO REACH OUT TO OTHERS WITH THIS CONDITION, THIS MENTAL ILLNESS THAT UNFORTUNATELY WE’VE HAD TO DEAL WITH IN THIS LIFETIME. Not sure how long I’ve been typing in all caps; Damn but K’s OCD is funny to me, but in a good way most of the time.”The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” ~ Bertrand Russell
As I told our husband last night (?), just try to ride out the “wave”. Just hang on and ride it out…perhaps it might even be fun at times, or at the very least quite interesting, or it is to “US” anyway, to Smart Kellie, aka Switch Kellie. Which is me, the one who’s currently doing the typing. Have I mentioned (yes, I’m positive that I’ve mentioned this already-sorry for the repetitive nature of this disorder; I realize it must be tremendously irritating, the repetition of stories and symptoms and whatever else it is that we’ve been writing about) that I feel it is a fantastic idea to let US do some art therapy and writing therapy? It amazes us that no-one has ever thought to do this before, or perhaps they have and I just can’t remember right now. That’s probably it, don’t you think? It’s a logical conclusion, I think, and that is I being Switch Kellie, the one who’s here to protect Kellie and see that all this work gets done properly and on time and, let’s face it–at all.
It’s late, or early I suppose, and yet once again we find ourselves in this situation, the situation in which K is physically exhausted and needs desperately to sleep for a good solid chunk of time. I am simultaneously concerned about her (both physically AND mentally) and frustrated at the fact that I can’t stop thinking long enough for her to lie down and get that much-needed rest. She’s hoping that this sleep deprivation doesn’t come back to bite her on the ass as it were; she has no desire to start hallucinating again, (a symptom which we have sometimes but not all the time) The insomnia has come and gone throughout the years, being with us more often than not, although it’d be quite difficult for the outside world to know this, as K sleeps so much “now” due to the medication(s) she takes. “Now” meaning normally, as in pretty much all fucking day long, or at least that’s how it’s been seeming to me, since that sad and lazy K came to stay with us. Now this chemically-induced comatose state is exactly what I, the physical K, have needed for weeks now, or at least it seems like weeks have past (dammit I’m just not sure) since our body slept in a bed during regular nighttime hours, for any length of time past 3 hours or so. Last night, as in the most recent period of sleep for our mother, I seem to recall that Husband wanted us to go to bed early, and so we did, I don’t remember what time it was, but definitely at a more logical hour than we’ve been doing lately. Now he went to sleep and stayed asleep and for that I am thankful, for Kellie is worried about him not getting the proper rest (as well as eating) because of his being so worried about us, the K’s. However, I, Switch Kellie, wouldn’t allow K to waste too much precious time sleeping, for I understand that we have only a limited amount of time in which to be here, in which to exist, and so therefore I only let her sleep for about an hour, maybe an hour and a half. K was back up by midnight and even though technically my brain was still incredibly tired, it was working at a frantic pace STILL and so we had to-and I do mean HAD TO– write these things down.
There was something important which I wanted to write about, and now, of course, I can’t remember what it was. This infuriates me! Wait-let’s take a look in our notebook…We’ve been taking notes for a while now, I’m not sure when this started, but it seems as though I’ve always taken notes and written things down and made lists and such. However, these latest notes seem to be of some importance, that is for the recovery of K; they seem as though they might help her doctor give her the proper diagnosis, something we have always wanted but which I’m afraid we’ve never gotten. Well, it did seem at times that we had the correct diagnosis, but then things would all start going downhill and then inevitably crash and burn and I’d end up running away and leaving my friends and loved ones and sometimes material things too. That’s hard to admit, for I do NOT like to waste things or throw things away, and I worry about the state of the environment and things of that nature; I’m very considerate of the world around me. One of the K’s we affectionately refer to as the “tree-hugger”, and she/ I/ was in charge (at least part of the time) whenever Kellie lived in Seattle. Also making appearances in Seattle were The Little Girl and The Kellie. I’m not sure if there were others, but I’d venture a guess that there were others, it’s so hard to remember-it’s as though everything were wrapped in saran wrap or something along those lines; I can see things, things just aren’t crystal clear for me. I can see bits and pieces….Damn. I’ve just remembered that we wanted K to write a blog post this morning (? not sure when that is) OK, let’s see…. How can we handle this dilemma, the dilemma being whether or not to write this blog post or whether to take care of other business, like getting K dressed for the doctor’s appointment which she has this morning…? That’s right, at long last the day has arrived when we, the Kellie’s can go into our psychiatrist’s office and confess to her what the hell has been going on all this time (although we’re not sure how much time that is, time that’s past I mean). What is simply hilariously tragic is that the shrink’s office called the house phone, that is the Real Life phone, yesterday, twice. The first call was to verify that we had an appointment at 3:00 this afternoon. The second call, hours later, was to tell us that the doctor had some sort of illness in her family and was therefore unable to see me at the regularly scheduled time. The psychiatrist apparently was going to try and see all her day’s patients in the morning today instead of spread throughout the course of the day. And so we found K’s note this morning, the note telling us that we’re to be at the doctor’s office at 9:30, which is only about 25 minutes from now. I guess that means that we should shut the hell up and stop typing and instead put our energy into getting dressed and made up to go see our doctor. It’s such a shame that we’ll only get to see her for 15 minutes, instead of the usual length of time, which I can’t be certain of but which seems much longer than that, perhaps an hour? I couldn’t say for sure. OK, let’s go get ready for this rather monumental day (it will be if things go as planned). Cross your fingers for us!