The Discovered Diaries

So much has happened that I just do not know where to start.  I can’t remember the beginning, and we’ve not yet come to the end, at least I hope not, and so that must mean that this is the “present time”.  I’ve been doing some research since my last blog post, and to say that is an understatement of tremendous proportions.  I’ve been obsessing over websites and news articles about dissociative disorders, to the point of not eating or sleeping; to stop and do either of those things would mean sacrificing our precious time, and I’d rather use however much time we have left here to seek more knowledge.  I hunger for knowledge, not food, I thirst for facts.  I cannot stop reading about these different conditions and their symptoms and I really feel that for the first time in what seems an eternity (to us) that I’ve stumbled upon something important, something that describes how I, we feel, something that makes sense to me, and to K. I feel as though I’m opening my eyes for the first time…although I have proof now-physical proof-that this is indeed NOT the first time I’ve had this sense of “clarity” as I’ve been calling it. Some time ago, we don’t know how long ago exactly-could be minutes, could be days-we found a diary…

I was looking for something in the nightstand drawer, I can’t remember what exactly, I just recall that I was very intent on finding it and so I was going through the drawer thoroughly. I came across a sketch diary, which I’d begun on my birthday in February of 1999 and which I used to remember important things and people and places and events by a combination of drawings and words. We’ve had our memory problems for quite a long time now, and so K has always tried to keep a diary, a journal, a sketchbook, anything which she could look at and relive experiences through, as well as just keep on top of basic information which other people seem to be able to hold onto in their minds so easily but which she cannot, things like friends’ names.  She began her first diary around age 5.  It was a very small white diary with a picture of Donald Duck on the cover, I remember that well.  I’m not sure where that diary is located at the moment, but I’m almost positive that we still have it, since K absolutely hates to throw things away for fear of losing something important.  Something that she might need to use in the future. Also, she’s very sentimental and still has, for example,  every love letter ever penned for her, every card, every poem.  We keep all these things in a box which has grown too full to hold anything new, but that’s OK as we now are married to the man who will love me forever and never leave us, in spite of our illness.  At least, that’s the master plan.

Now we’re already losing track of the subject, and we’ve only just begun; this is terribly frustrating as well as inconvenient, for we once again are at the mercy of time and we seem to have so little of it right now.  There is so much which needs to be said and done before we run out of time, before I have to go away again.  I don’t know how much time there is before that happens, I only know that it will happen, I will go away; not to a physical place, mind you, but rather to a different kind of place, on another realm of existence, or at least that’s how it feels to K.  I’m not K, but am what our husband refers to as Switch Kellie, and I don’t know how long I have been here this time but I can see from my notes that I’ve been doing a lot of researching, a lot of studying, a lot of prep work.  I suppose this is all because we go to see our psychiatrist soon.  Not today, and not tomorrow, but the next day.  I’m starting to work on these notes for the doctor now so that perhaps it will save her some time later, in helping her to properly diagnose K and hopefully, after that, put us on the road to recovery through the use of therapy and medication.  K takes more than her fair share of medication, that’s for sure, but we were thinking that maybe if we had the RIGHT medication(s) then maybe we wouldn’t have to take so MUCH…maybe we could get away with just a few pills a day or something much more “normal” than the current handful of 10-12 pills.  That’s a ridiculous amount of pills for someone so young to be taking, and besides that, it makes us all groggy and sleepy (not to mention all the other dreaded side effects) and we feel as though our life is literally slipping past us and if I don’t stand up and ring the bell to tell the bus driver that I want off, then I may just miss the whole thing-life I mean.

Now according to my notes, there happens to be some information which is of vital importance to K’s recovery, (that is the current, and most important, project) inside these diaries. (Yes, plural-we have found three now) K always has a number of projects going at any given time, or at least most of us do, but not the K that’s been around here lately… No, she’s done nothing but sleep and be lazy and depressed and embarrass us and make us angry, not to mention the fact that it just downright looks bad in front of our mother and husband, both of whom we love very much and want to make happy.  This sad and lazy K has been with us before, oh it feels like we’ve met her a number of times over the years, although I don’t believe that she ever came around until after K had to drop out of college, when the pressure became too much for her to bear.  I’ll tell you that story later in the game.

Now back to our tale.  We have come across 3 different diaries, one begun in 1999, one begun in 2004, and one begun the first of January, 2010.  I find it absolutely fascinating, what’s contained in these books, and my only regret is that we didn’t find these and read them sooner, so that we could’ve told someone, some medical professional, one of our therapists, about them and the secrets contained within their pages.  I have to stop here and admit that I have not yet actually read all 3 diaries from start to finish; I simply have not had time to do that, at least not enough “Kellie Time”, which is a measure of time all our own, which K’s friends have gotten used to and often joke about but which they don’t seem to understand (or perhaps some of them do) is truly the only sense of time that K knows.  I can tell time, perfectly well, I just don’t wear a watch and can’t always get to my cell phone or a clock to check the time around me.  “Kellie Time” is usually about 30 minutes behind the rest of the real world, but that can vary with K’s different realities.  What I mean by that is, each K has her own sense of time and space, and so that 30 minutes could be as little as 15 minutes or as long as 2 hours, depending upon which K is trying to tell the actual time. I imagine none of this makes any sense to you, and I suppose it shouldn’t either, as it couldn’t possibly make sense to anyone who’s not had a peek inside K’s mind.  It honestly doesn’t even make sense to K, and she’s the one living through all of this madness.  If SHE doesn’t get it, then how could anyone else?

So the diaries…let me tell you a bit about them.  I opened up the first one I found, the little black book, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that its first page was fully illustrated in bright colors, outlined all in black Sharpie marker.  Black Sharpie markers are K’s favorite medium and she’s been using them for decades now to draw pictures and tell stories of what’s happening in her day-to-day life, and while a trusted few have seen these drawings, or some of them, (K does the drawings for herself, no one else) very few people (one or two) have actually taken the time to READ the drawings, or try and interpret them.  Only one of our therapists or doctors has ever seen these drawings, and when she saw them she seemed to get excited or eager or something I can’t put my finger on, but which made us quite paranoid,  which is a very common state of mind for us to be in.  These drawings vary in appearance, as they are not all drawn by the same K, and most of the K’s seem to have their own unique artistic style.  It’s interesting to flip through the diary, and note the changes in mood from page to page, I mean the whole physical appearance of the diary entries, not just the words but the pictures and the colors, everything.  It’s like reading a book written and illustrated by many different authors.  I, personally, Switch Kellie, as Husband likes to call us, am fascinated by these diaries and the words contained on their pages. I’ve been reading them like novels, each is like a new novel that I’ve never read before and which perhaps I’ve been told about because some of the stories are familiar to me and it seems I’ve heard the stories before, but I can’t remember actually reading or writing these tales for the most part, and certainly I can’t remember living all of these things.  It’s as though it all happened to another person (or persons), or in dream or something.  Not “real life” (whatever that may be).

In addition to the physical appearance of the diaries, look closer and you will find that the words are different too, the writing style as well as the handwriting, and I am intrigued by this fact.  I want to know more about these books.  I must read them, all 3 of them, before I go and see the doctor on Wednesday.  My laptop tells me that this currently is Monday morning, so hopefully it won’t be too much longer before the day comes when K goes to the psychiatrist with her husband (I need him as a witness!) and wherein she can finally tell someone this tremendous secret she’s keeping. This secret is so big, so enormous, that if I stop to think about it, it makes my brain ache.  I literally can feel my brain begin to throb and pulsate and the pain intensifies until it gets to the point in which I fear I’m going to have a stroke or give myself an aneurism or something terrible like that. Thinking about The Secret, in fact, is enough to (almost) immediately induce a panic attack, and so we must be very careful about what information we share with whom, i.e. which of the Kellie’s.  I’m the strong one, I’m the one who takes care of us, and so I’m much better equipped to handle the details contained in the diaries, much better able to deal with the overload of information, all of which must be organized and put into some sort of order before any recovery can begin to take place for us.  I just hope that I have enough time in this current state of mind to get the facts down on paper, to at least scan each of the diaries and take notes about what needs to be brought up in therapy.  There’s so much to talk about, I fear that this project may take years and years, but I’m hoping that this is not the case; I’m hoping that by organizing all the data around me, I can put together some sort of picture of what’s going on inside the mind of K, and be able to explain it rationally to our doctor.  Rationally?!  What the hell does that mean?!

I, Switch Kellie, am taking it upon myself to be in charge of the diaries, to navigate these waters as it were, to read them and analyze them and figure out the mystery that IS K.  I am curious about her, I really am.  I think that perhaps she is a piece of me, or I am a piece of her….I haven’t figured out yet how all of this works but I’m hoping to at least get some sort of grasp, some idea of what exactly is happening right now and will happen in the near future, when The Secret is revealed.  I have to stop now and tell you that this big secret is too much for K’s mother and therefore we will NOT be telling her anything about any of this.  She absolutely cannot know, she mustn’t find out what’s been going on right under her nose, for that information would be too much for her to bear, she’s not open-minded enough, she could never imagine the likes of what I need to to say, to share, to understand.  K’s mother is over 80 years old and is very old-fashioned and naive about things, particularly things which one generally does not hear about on TV or in newspapers. She doesn’t really have friends at her age, aside from a couple of relatives who come to check on her and socialize with her from time to time. These times, the times when, say Aunt B comes over and takes Mom to the grocery store, these are the times which K looks forward to, not because she doesn’t enjoy being with her mother-she does love and enjoy being with her mother-but because while Mom is out of the house, K can relax her brain and let go and not have to put forth such an effort to appear “sane”, which is absolutely exhausting for us to do everyday.  K’s mother has no real concept of what the internet is, she just knows that she can ask K a question and K can look it up on her computer and find an answer usually.  This is important!  This is how I intend to find out about what’s “wrong” with K, even though I detest that we must use that word “wrong“, for it implies that K is defective, which I suppose she must be to be going through all of these symptoms and what have you, but which I, Switch Kellie, find hard to accept.  I don’t want to be defective. I just want to be happy.

Happy is a fairly foreign concept to us, to K, for she’s been unhappy for so long that she can barely remember what it’s like to feel anything else, except that now that she’s gotten married, this feeling of “happiness” has come over her and to be honest, it freaks her out a great deal.  It freaks her out because it just feels so alien to her, this feeling of true happiness (we have faked being happy for eons); K has suffered from depression for almost her entire life and she’s therefore used to being unhappy and she understands these dark feelings of doom and gloom and while they may not be ideal for her, she’s at least familiar with them and is comfortable feeling them.  This new feeling of “happiness” makes K very nervous, for we are unsure how to go about it, it’s something different, something scary, something we’ve not been around much, and K doesn’t know exactly how to “be” happy.  It frightens her, this new concept, although she’d very much like to experience it the way that other people, regular people, seem to experience it.  And wouldn’t it be lovely if K could appreciate life and all that it has to offer, without being bothered by that nasty depression cloud which has hung over her head for so many years now…Perhaps we are on the pathway to that place, that feeling, to being “happy” (which we’ve been on and off before throughout the years but the feeling never lingers, it’s always been a temporary rush).  I just hope I can get there, to that place, to “happy” before I run out of time.